The current Ashes score is Merv Hughes 1 – Piers Morgan 0

Merv: [Laughs uproariously]. Well, I had a couple of very ordinary ’taches when I was in my early 20s And they didn’t last, but as I said, I grew up watching and idolising Dennis Lillee, Rod Marsh and Ian Chappell, so I guess I grew one [just like them].

Fitz: And then one great day in the mid-’80s you found yourself in the dressing room of the Australian Test team, as a fully-fledged member of it, complete with a Baggy Green. Tell me the story of getting your nickname from the captain?

Merv: Yup, it was in Adelaide in 1985. And I reckon I was in the dressing room about five minutes before “AB” [Allan Border] dubbed me “fruit fly”, because I was “Australia’s greatest pest”. I guess a little bit of nervous energy overcame me, Peter, and that was, and still is, a very apt nickname.

Fitz: All right. In terms of this current fantastic series, for me the lesson is just how fantastic Test cricket is, showing up just how shithouse the Twenty20 and one day stuff is by comparison.

Merv: T20 and the one-dayers have their place. But if you’re a cricket lover [of our age] and you grew up with cricket, well, you grew up with Test cricket and that’s what you love. The best analogy I’ve heard came from Stuey McGill, comparing cricket to wine. He said you go to the winery, and you’re not sure what you want. T20 gives you the taste. If you enjoy that, you get the bottle which is one-day cricket. And if you love that, then you buy the whole case which is Test cricket. And Test cricket is still the most important form of the game to me, without doubt.

Fitz: So far, the thing that this Ashes series will be remembered for is the Jonny Bairstow dismissal in the second Test, where after the last ball of the over he wandered out of his crease only to have his stumps thrown down by our keeper, Alex Carey, as the over hadn’t been formally declared as over. My view, if you care, was that it wasn’t quite cricket but it was certainly in the rules. What did you think?

Merv. [Firmly]. Mate, If you don’t want to get run out, or stumped, stay in your crease. For me, it was a brain-fade by Bairstow, and there was possibly a touch of arrogance also, that he didn’t even look back. The over wasn’t called, and anyone who says it was is talking absolute crap.

Fitz: So you would have thrown down the stumps in exactly the same situation?

Merv: Oh, without doubt. And to be honest, the way that it happened, a couple of guys from our group said that [captain] Pat Cummins actually waved at Alex Carey and indicated that Bairstow was moving out of his crease and under-arm-motioned to throw the ball at stumps. [So Cummins] was never going to overturn that. And then the people in the English camp jump up and down about it. But a day or two before that, Bairstow had tried to run Marnus Labuschagne out the same way. So you can’t have it both ways.

Fitz: All right, and so on to Piers Morgan. You two have had lots of goes at each other on Twitter over his criticism of that episode, the rain and so forth. What do you make of the whole Piers Morgan thing?

Merv: Mate, I don’t want to give him any oxygen whatsoever. He’s just a flog.

Fitz: Were you tempted, when he invited you to go onto his show, to go one-on-one with him?

Merv: No, not at all.

Fitz: But he has just referred to this “Australian team of cheating convicts”. Merv, I’m calling on you to steam in on from the Randwick end, one more time for the country!

Merv: As I said, he is a flog. And anyone with half-a-brain, who understands the laws of cricket, knows the Australians weren’t cheating. And the only people who carry on about “sportsmanship” and “the spirit of cricket” are the ones who can’t win within the rules.

Fitz: What do you make of all the recent criticism of Pat Cummins captaincy? I’m not qualified to judge, so you tell me: is he a good captain?

Merv: He has been a good captain. There’s no doubt about that. And that doesn’t change because you had one bad Test match. And let’s face it, one bloke, Zac Crawley, got away from the Australians and got 189 runs. When someone does that, it is pretty hard to captain. But I can’t see how everyone’s saying that it was a diabolical Test match. We got sent in, we made 300. A lot of people tend to forget that. They got 500. They had every chance to get us out on that fourth day. They didn’t make inroads. We batted 30 overs and got 1/100 and people are crying foul. Mate, they had their chances, and didn’t take them. So, of Pat Cummings, I think he has done a fantastic job and I would rather judge him on the previous Test matches than on the Manchester Test match.

Fitz: There’s a famous rugby story from 40 years ago, when the struggling English side was about to play the Five Nations grand slam champions, Wales, at Cardiff, and as the English were about to get on the bus to go to the ground, an English gent poked the English captain Bill Beaumont in the bottom with the tip of his umbrella and said, “May the best team win, eh, Beaumont?” Beaumont replied, “I certainly bloody hope not!” So my question to you, overall in this Ashes campaign, have the Australians been genuinely the best team?

Merv: I can put my hand on my heart and say ... no.

Fitz: [Staggered laughter.]

Merv: Serious, Pete. They had the opportunity at Lord’s and at Birmingham where they won the toss, and got conditions to suit them, and they didn’t win those two Test matches. So Australia played well enough to win those. So while the game was in the balance, England weren’t good enough to win.

Fitz: [Confused.] But hang on, when I said “was Australia the best?” you said, said “hand on heart, no.”

Merv: England! England! I thought you said “England”. No, look, it’s been very even. And I dare say it’s the same in the rugby world: when a team tours to another country it’s very, very hard to win. So in cricket, if they can draw level and retain the Ashes, in England, people don’t understand how good of an accomplishment that is. And if Australia can knock over England and win this last Test to go up 3-1, that is outstanding, right? And if we hold on to a draw and win the series 2-1, that is outstanding. And if the series is a two-all draw, that’s a feather in the cap of the Australians.

Fitz: Still, were you glad to see the rain hit in the last two days of the last test?

Merv: Without doubt but, being the supreme optimist, I thought Mitch Marsh and Cameron Green could have put on a quick 250, and we could have had a whack at them late on the fifth day and bowled them out, but that’s being your supreme optimist.

Fitz: Now, Merv, every time I run into you at some airport or other, we compare girths to see who’s travelling better. Last time, you won. But I reckon I’ve got you now, as you look like you’ve been in a good paddock. What was your playing weight, and what are you weighing in at now?

Merv: I reckon you’ve got me covered, easy. I’ve just been spending time in Italy! So my playing weight was probably 105 kilograms, and it’s safe to say that that’s a long way behind me.

Fitz: I reckon you’ve got at least 130 kegs on board.

Merv: All right, and I reckon you can add about 10 per cent tax on that.

Fitz: Have you managed to parlay your great cricket popularity into staving off having to do honest work?

Merv: Yes.

Fitz: What do you do?

Merv: All the stuff either is promotions and PR. I virtually still live off the name, so I came over to the UK originally with a tour group, a supporter group, to follow the Test matches. Prior to that I was with a Masters touring group. We had 30 guys playing, and I was coaching two sides: an over-45 side, and an under-45 side. And we had two teams playing eight games each in about 12 days. So that was pretty good. So basically all the stuff I do is just a backlash from the cricket I played.

Fitz: Do you ever say to Mrs Hughes, sitting beside you in the taxi right now, “Geez, Darl, I’ve had a blessed life! How good is this? I got to play Test cricket for Australia, travel the world, and I’ve lived off it ever since. How good is this?”

Merv: And I got to marry her! You’re right. I’m the luckiest man alive, without doubt.

Parable Of The Week

I met a man who was looking for the perfect wife. He needed to find someone who was beautiful, kind, loving, and very spiritual. He had found such a woman, once, but she was so spiritual that she could not easily relate to the practical things in the material world.

Then he found someone who was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organised and practical in material affairs. But she was so practical that she really did not need him so much, and was always telling him what he should do. So he moved on.

Then he found the perfect wife. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organised, practical in material affairs, as well as spiritual. A perfect balance. No one could be better. She would make just what he was looking for – the perfect wife.

So I asked him if they got married. No. Why not? Because she was also looking for the perfect husband.

Quote of the Week

“To those of us who had the privilege of knowing her, one couldn’t but always be struck by the depth of her fearless commitment to the important issues which she brought to public attention, no matter how uncomfortable those truths may have been. What Ireland has lost at such a relatively young age is one of our greatest and most gifted composers, songwriters and performers of recent decades.” – President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins, on the death of Sinead O’Connor.